Building resilient faith: teaching kids to talk back (to themselves)

As adults we know life can be tough and messy. There are so many complexities to deal with in day-to-day life. Depending on how old our kids are or what life is like, our kids may already be experiencing that toughness. They (and we) need to be resilient to make it through the ups and downs of life in this world. Resilience has become a bit of a buzz word—I’m sure you’ve heard it talked about or even done some training in it if you’re connected in any way to formal schooling structures. The world knows kids need tools to help them navigate the stressors of life.

We can’t know what the year ahead will hold, but what a gift it would be to our children to teach and train them to be resilient as they navigate whatever comes their way. But how can we as Christian parents help equip our kids to be resilient? I am sure there are many answers to that question. Books could be written, no doubt. But for today I have one small offering that could help our children to cope in the messiness of life. It wasn’t something I was taught as a child but rather something Sally Lloyd-Jones gifted me as a woman in my late thirties while reading her book Thoughts to Make Your Heart Sing to my children: 

‘Are you listening to yourself today ... Or talking to yourself? When you wake up in the morning, you can listen to whatever your thoughts are telling you ... You can listen and feel horrible. Or you can talk back. You can remind yourself of what is true.’  (Thoughts to Make Your Hearts Sing, p. 65)

This concept really hit me. I had never heard it articulated in such a clear and simple way. We don’t have to just listen to ourselves. The internal monologue that narrates life and constantly sits in the background doesn’t have to have the final word. In fact, we shouldn’t just listen to that little voice that talks to us. We can and should talk back. We should speak back to that little voice that says all sorts of things to us, relentlessly through the days, weeks and years. 

Martin Lloyd-Jones (no relation of Sally) wrote something quite similar (it was her inspiration): ‘Have you realised that most of your unhappiness in life is due to the fact that you are listening to yourself instead of talking to yourself?'.¹ He identifies our self-talk as the source of most of our unhappiness. 

Both Lloyd-Joneses point to Psalm 42:11, which says:

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Saviour and my God.

We see the psalmist do just what we have been talking about. He speaks to himself. Lloyd Jones helpfully says of the psalmist: ‘Instead of allowing this self to talk to him, he starts talking to himself … His soul has been depressing him, crushing him. So he stands up and says, “Self, listen for a moment, I will speak to you”’.²

What a gift this way of thinking could be to our children. We can help them to not only identify that voice, but also teach them to recognise that it is not always an accurate or even helpful friend to us. Do our children know that that little voice can speak lies to us? Or that even when it speaks truths to us, that it might be unhelpful for us to dwell on and fixate on that truth. We can help our children not simply listen to that little voice, but instead to moderate or correct it!

We need to help them to measure that little voice against what is true! We need to be teaching and training our children with the truths of the Bible so that they can ask themselves whether what that voice speaks is reflective of God’s truth. We need to train our children in the truths of the gospel and then teach them to speak it to themselves over and over so they can moderate that voice. This has become a tool in my toolbox when I am helping my kids navigate difficult times. I say to them, ‘This is one of those times when you need to not just listen to yourself, but actually talk to yourself’.

When that little voice says, ‘No-one loves me. No-one cares’, we can talk back with a strong ‘NO! I am God’s person. He loves me and sees me. He loved me so much that he sent his son Jesus to die for me’.

When that little voice says, ‘You’re not good enough’, we can talk back with a strong ‘NO! I am God’s precious child. He made me just as he wanted me. He accepts and loves me not because of anything about me but because of Jesus and what he’s done for me’.

When that little voice is overthinking and worrying about something, we can talk back! We can say ‘I am going to choose not to overthink this thing. I am going to talk to God about it instead. I know that God is in control of all things and he is at work to do good things for his kingdom. I can trust that he will do good in this thing even if I can’t see it or understand it’.

What an enormous gift this could be to our children in this messy world. This world where feelings seem to trump all. Imagine if our kids got really good at talking back to themselves? Of course, this won’t fix all of our children’s (or our own) troubles or make everything easy for them. It’s just one small tool to help them be resilient in the world today. 

Why not teach your child to talk back to themselves?

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Footnotes:

^{1. Martin Lloyd-Jones, Spiritual Depression: Its Causes and Cure, p. 20–21.}

^{2. Martin Lloyd-Jones, Spiritual Depression: Its Causes and Cure, p. 20–21.}

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Edwina Scott is married to Adam and is a stay-at-home mum to four children. She attends Naremburn–Cammeray Anglican, where her husband also works.

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