Parenting when our days are numbered

Grief is weighing heavily on my local community at the moment. A few families have been visited by that most unwelcome and cold-hearted of intruders—death. It has been mercilessly tearing fathers and mothers away from their children far too soon.

A couple of weeks ago, a local dad had an out-of-the-blue medical episode and died quite suddenly, leaving a wife and four children behind. While our community was still coming to terms with that loss, the news came in that another local parent, whose kids are still in primary school, had been transferred to a palliative care unit.

Beyond that, the global Christian community is still reeling from the very public death of American conservative activist and father-of-two Charlie Kirk.

All of those families are facing the unthinkable: the fact that one day we will die and leave our children behind. It’s every parent’s worst nightmare.

We may have many more years with our children, or we may have fewer than we expect. We may have a slow departure, with time to say goodbye or we may pass away quite unexpectedly. But the fact remains: no parent lives forever. And the past few weeks have taught us that we never know how soon—or how suddenly—our time on earth might be up.

So how might we raise our children today in the light of our mortality?

 Lord, you have been our dwelling-place
    throughout all generations.
 Before the mountains were born
    or you brought forth the whole world,
    from everlasting to everlasting you are God.

 You turn people back to dust,
    saying, ‘Return to dust, you mortals’.
 A thousand years in your sight
    are like a day that has just gone by,
    or like a watch in the night.
 Yet you sweep people away in the sleep of death—
    they are like the new grass of the morning:
 In the morning it springs up new,
    but by evening it is dry and withered …

 Teach us to number our days,
    that we may gain a heart of wisdom. (Psalm 90:1–6, 12)

Entrust our kids to God … starting now

Parenthood is one long exercise of faith. From the moment we see those two lines on a pregnancy test, we realise how much is out of our control—from our children’s safe delivery to their health, to their developmental milestones, to their friendships, school life and mental health … there are many times when we’re just anxiously, helplessly praying our way through the day. We can research and investigate, we can make plans and appointments, but ultimately, at least half of parenting is learning to wait and watch in faith.

Facing up to our mortality reminds us that we always need to hand our children over to God. They were never really ours to begin with. God gives us children to birth and care for during the short span of our life on earth, but he is their true Creator and sustainer. God is good and, unlike us, God is in control. So, like Abraham did with Isaac, we need to offer our children up into God’s loving arms—today and every day.

Talk about what matters for eternity

Life is busy. And we can become preoccupied with the daily tasks and schedules that keep our families on the move. But it’s important to regularly block out the noise and distraction to have focused conversations with our kids about eternity.

Tell them why you’re confident of your eternal life with God—because you’re taking shelter in Jesus, the only Righteous One. Tell them why you’re looking forward to heaven, where sickness, sadness and death will no longer exist. Tell them how you can’t wait for the day when you will meet them there, along with all those who have died trusting in Christ.

Talking about the joys of heaven doesn’t mean we can’t also be sad in the face of death. Death is an intruder who stole into God’s perfect world after our first parents sinned. Death feels sad and wrong because it is. Even Jesus, when he was about to raise his friend Lazarus from the dead, stood there and wept (John 11:35).

When God says ‘no’ to healing

There is a lot of confusion in our community at the moment, because God seems to be saying ‘no’ to healing. But we can help our kids to understand that God has healed those young parents—finally and fully—even though it wasn’t the earthly healing we desperately hoped for. It’s right to ask for God to heal our loved ones when they are sick (James 5:14–16). But only God knows how he will answer our prayers, in accordance with his inscrutable wisdom. If God doesn’t heal someone here and now, it is not the sign of a lack of faith.

‘And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.’ (Romans 8:28)

Introduce your children to their heavenly Father

Knowing that we won’t be around forever reminds us of the importance of introducing our kids to their perfect heavenly Father, who is eternal. Our human parenting is limited—we’re short on time, wisdom, power and patience. But God has an infinite store of all of these things—and will keep loving, guiding and protecting our children, even when we are no longer there to do these things ourselves.

Even now, we should be pointing our children beyond ourselves to God, our ultimate heavenly Father, who we can always run to for comfort, forgiveness, guidance and strength. In view of our human frailty, let’s teach our kids to depend on him.

‘For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father”.’ (Romans 8:14–15)

‘For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.’ (Romans 8:38–39)

Embed yourselves in a supportive church family

Another blessing of being parents who know God as Father is that we belong to a family of spiritual brothers and sisters. When faced with our human finitude and mortality, it’s vital that we embed our family within a local church community. We need spiritual brothers and sisters, aunties and uncles, grandmothers and grandfathers for us and for our children. We need a circle of godly people around us who can step in to love, care for and guide us and our children when times are tough. When this works well, grieving families can truly feel carried and upheld by the practical love of the saints. But when families hide their struggles, they risk suffering alone.

All children need a handful of Christian adults who are not their parents to act as mentors as they walk through life. Traditionally, this was the role of godmothers and godfathers. How much more important these mother- and father-figures become if one of a child’s own parents can no longer be there! So why not foster these mentoring relationships now?

Look after your health

In the middle of this fortnight of grief, I received a frightening phone call from my own husband. He wasn’t on the train home as expected, but had ended up in hospital. He had had his own medical episode and genuinely thought he was going to die. He spent the day getting checked over and thankfully nothing major was found. However, it was a real wake-up call: he urgently needed to change his lifestyle before any permanent damage was done. Since that day in hospital, my husband has been working hard to eat a fresh, healthy diet, get more exercise and avoid sugary or alcoholic drinks.

That reminded me of the title of a helpful book I recently read: How Not to Accidentally Die: A Guide to Dodging 23 Things That Could Get You Before Your Time. We never know when our time will come, and sickness can strike even the healthiest of people. But we owe it to our children to stay as healthy as we possibly can.

Prepare for the inevitable

Facing the fact that one day we will die forces us to make practical preparations. How many of us have written a will? Do we know what our life insurance policy is? What, practically-speaking, would happen to our spouse and children if we died? Is there anything we can do now that would ease the burden on them?

These are all horrible questions to ask ourselves; it’s natural to brush them aside and avoid thinking about them. But we need to push through our discomfort to confront our mortality and let that shape our parenting today.

Let’s raise our children in the light of eternity, when God will make all things right. Let’s raise our children in the real hope of that day when death will be defeated, and parents and children reunited once and for all.

‘See, I will create
    new heavens and a new earth.
The former things will not be remembered,
    nor will they come to mind.
 But be glad and rejoice for ever
    in what I will create,
for I will create Jerusalem to be a delight
    and its people a joy.
 I will rejoice over Jerusalem
    and take delight in my people;
the sound of weeping and of crying
    will be heard in it no more.

 ‘Never again will there be in it
    an infant who lives but a few days,
    or an old man who does not live out his years;
the one who dies at a hundred
    will be thought a mere child;
the one who fails to reach a hundred
    will be considered accursed.
 They will build houses and dwell in them;
    they will plant vineyards and eat their fruit.
 No longer will they build houses and others live in them,
    or plant and others eat.
For as the days of a tree,
    so will be the days of my people;
my chosen ones will long enjoy
    the work of their hands.
 They will not labour in vain,
    nor will they bear children doomed to misfortune;
for they will be a people blessed by the Lord,
    they and their descendants with them. (Isaiah 65:17–23)

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Harriet Connor is the Content Editor for Growing Faith and the editor of Parenting in God's Family: Biblical Wisdom for Everyday Issues. She is the author of Families in God's Plan: 12 Foundational Bible Studies (Youthworks Media, 2021) and Big Picture Parents: Ancient Wisdom for Modern Life (Wipf and Stock, 2017). She lives on the Central Coast of NSW with her husband and four sons.

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