Keeping our marriages healthy: Part 2

In the first article in this series, we saw that the quality of our relationships, including our marriages, profoundly impacts our wellbeing. We noted that God’s design for a healthy marriage involves feeling safe and warmly connected. The mutual support that flows from relating this way strengthens our ability to serve God and those around us.

What facilitates this sort of connection? Marriage research suggests that the secret is not some grand gesture, like a trip to the turquoise waters of the Maldives or the gift of a large diamond necklace. It’s the little things. Every interaction between a husband and a wife is an opportunity to draw you closer … or otherwise. Psychiatrist and neuroscientist, Bruce Perry, says this:

It is in the small moments, when we feel the other person fully present, fully engaged, connected, and accepting, that we make the most powerful enduring bonds.¹

We listed some small habits that contribute to a healthy marriage in the first article; here we will add some further suggestions on how to nourish this bond.

Find time each day to connect away from the presence of your children

Babies, children, small children, lots of small children—they are a blessing! But often their needs and demands for attention make it difficult to carve out time for one another. Can you find 15–20 minutes to catch up with each other and share what’s happened in your day and what’s on your heart?

As our children moved past the toddler stage, we would say to them, ‘This is Mummy and Daddy’s time now. Play on your own, and you’ll have our attention in a little while.’ A refrain they often heard was, ‘One of the best gifts we can give you is a strong and healthy marriage’. They used to groan and roll their eyes, but deep down, they knew it was true.

Have fun together

Laughter and fun are not just for our children; they feed connection and warmth in our marriages. So, what do you enjoy doing together? If nothing comes to mind, think back to what brought happy moments in the early days of your relationship. Make sure that the things that make you both smile are a regular part of life.

Give each other a hug—often!

Human touch has all sorts of benefits. It communicates warmth, builds trust, strengthens our bond with each other, and the soothing impact is good for our health. But this form of connection can slip by the wayside when we’re busy and distracted. Be more conscious and proactive and make the effort to touch. Hugs are great! And so is snuggling in close while watching TV and holding hands while walking together.

Time for longer child-free conversations

What do you talk about together? Are most of your conversations about the children and juggling their commitments and needs? Or about household tasks that need someone’s attention? Intimacy deepens when we share feelings, hopes, fears and the like. Next time you sit and have a coffee or go on a walk together, try to have a deeper, more intentional conversation about the highs and lows of life. Be curious and ask questions of your spouse and listen to their answers. Your interest will show them that  you care about them, that they have your undivided attention, and that you are there for them.

When your spouse is sharing something of significance, try to avoid shifting the conversation to yourself or telling them what to do. Stay in their moment and seek to be understanding and empathic. Remember the wisdom of Proverbs 18:13: ‘To answer before listening—that is folly and shame’.

Remember the good times

What have been the highlights of your marriage? Remember past holidays or fun connecting times—maybe scroll through some photos of these happy moments together. This will help you reminisce and share the memories you each have. Celebrate anniversaries—they don’t have to be big elaborate celebrations.

Don’t take each other for granted

Say thank you when a meal is cooked and appears magically on the table. When the clothes are washed and the house tidied, express your appreciation that these thankless tasks get done. Try to tell each other one thing that you appreciate about them each day. Every now and then, write a simple card filled with words of affirmation. These practices will help you notice the positives in your spouse and sends the message they are noticed and valued.

Ask God to grant the Spirit’s fruit

Learning some skills and techniques (in communication, conflict resolution, etc.)  can be helpful, but those things are not the key to a good marriage. What is far more significant is the type of person you are—your character. A person of godly character is very easy to live with, so seeking to grow in your Christian character will bring great benefit to your marriage. Wonderfully, we don’t have to do this alone! You can ask God for his Spirit to fill you with his love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 5:22–23a). Think of the profound impact these fruit have upon the quality of a relationship.

Look outward together

How might you serve God’s people together? God has not designed us to be selfish. And ironically, being pre-occupied only with each other doesn’t actually nurture marital health. Looking beyond your own marriage and using your gifts in a shared ministry will benefit your relationship and bring blessing to others.

Consider doing a marriage enrichment course together

Every marriage needs that ‘grease and oil change’ at times, particularly as your children reach different stages: toddlerhood, starting school, becoming teenagers, or when something happens that you’ve found difficult to navigate together. Building a Safe & Strong Marriage (see below) is an online Christian marriage enrichment course that we have produced. It gives you a chance to check in on how you’re tracking. Even if you’ve done the course before, you will find that it provides a structure to have those conversations that ‘need to be had’.

In this article we’ve looked at some small things couples can do to build a healthy marriage. In the final article of this series, we will share some ideas on how to support a friend in a difficult marriage.

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Building a Safe & Strong Marriage is a five-session Christian online course, drawing upon the wisdom of the Bible and some significant marriage research. You can work through the course at your own pace from the comfort of your home. No need to organise babysitters or go out! The video content is interspersed with couple exercises where you have the chance to talk together and apply what you’re learning to your own marriage.

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Sarah and Keith are Co-directors of the Mental Health & Pastoral Care Institute. The Institute is a program of Anglican Deaconess Ministries (ADM), a ministry that inspires and empowers Christian women to bring the love of Jesus to a hurting world through education, compassionate ministries, community, and public gospel witness. Sarah and Keith have developed a Christian marriage enrichment course Building a Safe & Strong Marriage. This course has been run by many churches. Couples can work through the course independently from home online.

Footnotes

[1] Perry, B & Winfrey, O, What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing, p. 82.

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