Helping your daughter to dress modestly

I graduated from my teens just three years ago. And in my experience it's getting harder and harder to dress modestly. And this challenge rears its head at a surprisingly young age.

If you want an example of how sexualised girls’ clothing is, simply take a walk through the girls' clothes section at the shops. You’ll be bombarded with subtle (and not-so-subtle) messages telling you that “girls should be sexy”.

As Christians, we don’t want our girls to adopt the values of the world around them. We want them to know and trust God’s values instead. And part of that is dressing modestly. As 1 Timothy 2:9 puts it, “women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control”.

Helping a girl make good choices about what she wears isn’t easy. It's not the sort of thing that can be accomplished by laying down a few rules such as “Skirts must come down to your knees”. Helping your daughter to dress modestly is a process that begins at a young age, and continues throughout her childhood.

It’s a bit like building a house. You start by giving your daughter a foundation – a godly perspective on life, modelled by her parents. Once that foundation has been established your daughter can start to build on it.

As her parents, there are some simple tools you can give her to help in that process. The remainder of this article will walk through my thoughts on what some of these tools are, and how you can use them. My hope is that they’ll help you support your daughter in her journey of building up a solid value system about modesty.

Laying a solid foundation

What we value influences our decisions and actions:

• If you value gospel work, you may think about going into ministry.
• If you value charity and caring for the poor, you will probably give more money away.
• And if your daughter values modesty, she will most likely choose to dress modestly.

Unfortunately, values are not something that God has programmed into our DNA. It is quite possible to be born to parents who value modesty highly but not value it at all yourself. Values are something that parents, and other key people in a child’s life, teach and model. And this starts at a very young age.

Stating your Values

Try taking your daughter clothes shopping with you. As you look through and decide on which clothes to buy, talk with her about what choices you're making.

Even just saying, “I won't get those pants, I think they're probably too tight,” makes it very clear to your daughter that you are thinking carefully about what you wear.

Through your example, your daughter will build up a picture of what you value, and what things to think through when she chooses her own clothes.

Explaining your Values

As your daughter grows up, you move from telling her what the foundation looks like to explaining why it looks like that. This is a step towards having her take ownership of your values for herself.

For some parents, talking to their daughter about dressing in a sexually provocative manner might feel very awkward. Other parents will be much more comfortable with it. In either case, it's a subject you need to talk about. Your daughter is likely to talk to her friends about sex appeal regularly. And if her friends’ perspective is the only one she’s ever exposed to, chances are she’ll adopt that perspective too.

Of course, if you want your daughter to adopt good values, you can't rely just on yourself. Pray for her! Pray that she will trust Jesus for herself and seek to be godly.

Tools to build with

The job doesn’t end once the foundation has been laid. Once your daughter has a foundation of values – whether they’re godly values or not – she will start to build on that foundation. She’ll begin to make her own decisions about modesty.

Very often, this starts when she begins doing her own clothes shopping. Maybe she'll go shopping with you, or by herself. More likely she'll go shopping with friends. That's when you want her to already have the right values established. And established firmly enough to stand up to the unhelpful influence of her peers!

At this point, you want to support your daughter to build on her values with some concrete choices and actions.

Guidelines

While it won't work for everyone, some girls will find it helpful to have guidelines. That way they can have a clear-cut reason for saying 'yes' or 'no' about a piece of clothing they're not sure about. 
If you and your daughter decide to set some guidelines, make sure that it's a joint project. Work together to decide on something that you're both happy with.

For some girls, however, having guidelines in place won't be helpful. It'll feel restrictive and legalistic – the sort of thing they’ll really resent. If that's your daughter, don't make guidelines for her. There are other ways you can support her to build on good values.

Style

Many young girls learn to equate dressing differently from everyone else with being 'daggy'. Dressing modestly can indeed result in looking daggy. But it doesn't have to. Your daughter should be able to develop a style that she feels comfortable in, and is modest.

Supporting your daughter as she develops that style could be as simple as merely complimenting her appearance when she's wearing a nice garment. Alternately, it could be as involved as spending lots of shopping trips together (and maybe even learning to sew!) in an attempt to furnish a wardrobe that will make her feel comfortable.

Whatever you can do to help her, go out of your way to do it. Feeling daggy shouldn’t be a barrier to your daughter dressing modestly.

Financial

Some Christian teenagers feel an additional pressure when buying clothes because they have to pay for their clothes themselves. Be aware of this. Make sure that your daughter knows that you’ll be willing to help her financially as she seeks to dress modestly.

Emotional

Finally, remember that it can be really hard for a teenage girl to feel different from her friends. There’ll be days when she hates being different. Make sure you're aware of this, and make sure you're there to support her when appropriate.

The finished “house”

By the time your daughter is in upper high school, her foundation has already been laid. She’s also spent several years building on that foundation. By this stage, her “house” is built. But, it may not look exactly how you would like it to. Your daughter may have developed a habit of dressing in a way that you don’t entirely approve of.

Although it may be very difficult, you now need to step back and allow her to be herself. Pray for her. Compliment choices that you approve of. But don't try to micro-manage her wardrobe. It won’t achieve anything. You don't want your daughter to feel oppressed because her parents have too much involvement in her life.

In conclusion

Modesty is not genetic. It’s certainly not easy. And like Rome, it wasn’t built in a day. This is something that you and your daughters need to work hard at. And, like all aspects of godliness, it is a gift from God.

So keep praying for your daughters! And keep in mind that for a Christian, modesty is really just an outward sign of having a heart focused on Jesus. So, above all, encourage her to stay focused on Jesus, and to keep sharing in fellowship with other Christians.

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About the author: At 22 years-old, Jen Adams is the oldest of nine children. She has been active in ministry to girls for the past six years, and runs the GFS Sydney website.

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