You might have seen a similar headline on the cover of Cosmo or Cleo but I’m going to let you in on a secret … sex isn’t always great. And there aren’t three magic tips—given by the world—to a satisfying sex life.
There are, however, three godly tips that will set you on the path to experiencing a fulfilling married sex life. And to bring you these, Growing Faith spoke with Christian sexologist Dr Patricia Weerakoon, author of The Best Sex for Life.
Tip 1: Build a bond
God invented sex for our enjoyment in the context of marriage. But a healthy sex life isn’t just theological—it’s biological.
In her book The Best Sex for Life, Dr Weerakoon writes that a deep brain-bond can develop between husband and wife. When a couple practices any form of intimacy—holding hands, sharing a look or making love—‘cuddle hormones’ increase, developing this bond.
‘This is the kind of bond that keeps you together after the young blush of romance described in Song of Songs is past and your body is gravity-challenged.’
So don’t rely on feelings to carry your marriage through life. Practice intimacy and strengthen that brain-bond!
Tip 2: Pinpoint the problems
Okay, we get that sex is biblically and biologically good. So what disrupts a healthy sex life? Three common issues are:
Kids – ‘Kids are great, the little darlings. But they are the best libido busters in the world’, Dr Weerakoon says. It can be difficult to make love while there are children in the house.
Loss of libido – No matter what you do, sometimes your partner is just not in the mood for sex. This is a loss of libido: where one partner wants sex more than the other.
Porn – ‘Something we are sadly seeing a lot of [today] is the entry of pornography into marriages, especially by the male. He has been using porn and then he’s just not turned on by his wife. So we are seeing sexual concerns, relational concerns in Christian marriages’, Dr Weerakoon says, ‘and now we are actually seeing women who are using porn because they are reading porn—written pornography, ‘Erotica’, is still porn.’
Pinpointing the problem is an important action. Now we can start to work on the problem.
Tip 3: Get to work
So how do you get back on the track to having a fulfilling sex life? Dr Weerakoon has some practical suggestions:
For the kids – ‘A couple of things, one: get a lock for your door.’ Two: have date nights. ‘And this is where the community of the church—the larger family—can support each other.’ This means babysitting for the whole night, not just for dinner. Three: occasionally be affectionate in front of the kids. A cuddle or a kiss is fine. ‘Children who feel that there is love in the family grow up secure and unafraid to show love to others.’
For the libido – The issue here is normally a ‘desire discrepancy’. ‘Often the problem is the man wants intercourse and the woman wants intimacy’. Men are function orientated: they want to get sex done. Women want men to show them that they love them: they want to be romanced. So how does a couple overcome this? ‘They need to communicate to each other what they want’ and what they enjoy before moving into intercourse.
For pornography – ‘Let’s face it, no man, no woman can be like a porn star. So the person who watches porn expects their partner to look like a porn star—which is impossible—and they expect their partner to act like a porn star’. It’s almost impossible to give up pornography alone—you need to talk to a wise older Christian or a Christian counsellor. For more information, read the “Advice to a porn user” appendix in The Best Sex for Life.
The Best Sex for Life
So, while the world might flash saucy sex tips across glossy magazine covers, Christians should submit to the fact that the Creator of all things (including sex) knows best. So think about these three godly tips. After all, who wouldn’t want to have the best sex for life?
The Best Sex for Life by Dr Patricia Weerakoon is available from www.cepstore.com.au.