There’s no such thing as a good Christian girl

As a high school chaplain in a girls’ school, I have a first-hand look into the lives of teenage girls. There is no-one I would rather minister to in the world than teenage girls. They are so multifaceted—from the deep care for the oppressed, to the raw emotion of friendships fuelled by laughter, to their wise reflections on the human condition. They are who I want to be like when I grow up.

Through ministering to this group, I have had the privilege of talking them through the many problems they face. There seems to be a unique pressure placed on young women to be competent without being arrogant, confident but not overbearing, even-headed, intelligent and largely unproblematic, even as they navigate the difficulty of adolescent identity formation.

This sense of expectation is amplified for Christian girls. If you think of the stereotypical teenage Christian girl at your church, what kinds of thoughts come to mind? We ask these to lead and babysit the church kids because they are the responsible ones. They’re the ones who read the Bible with practised articulation in the church service. They are the Marys in the nativity play, the ones who help their mums serve morning tea, who sit through the Bible talk diligently, writing in their notebooks with beautiful handwriting. They are the good Christian girls.

But what happens when they’re not? When they aren’t good? When they’re unsure of their faith? When they’re unsure if they’re interested in church, reading the Bible or praying? When they want to say ‘no’ to serving? A certain identity crisis happens when the image of the good Christian girl doesn’t quite match what is going on inside. So what happens? Well, panicked, they ask to see me.

‘I don’t know if I’m a Christian, but I can’t tell my parents.’

‘I want to move churches, but I don’t want to disappoint my youth leaders.’

‘I don’t think I’m praying right.’

‘I had an opportunity to tell my friend about Jesus, but I didn’t know what to say. Am I a bad Christian?’

‘I usually read my Bible on the train, but I was tired, so I didn’t. I feel so bad.’

‘Is it OK to doubt?’

These are the beginnings of conversations that I’ve had with teenage girls. The problem is that they’re experiencing a reality that doesn’t match the good Christian girl façade. There is a hypothetical rule book that they, and sometimes we, have created about what it means to be a good Christian girl, and they haven’t met the mark. It is entirely destabilising and disappointing, leaving them wondering about their faith. What’s worse is that they often express a reluctance to go to those in their church because they’re worried about what people will say if they don’t live up to their image there.

I have a hunch that many young women end up deconstructing their faith or slowly wandering away because it feels far freer to experience life outside the constructs of the Christian faith. Of course, we know that’s not where true freedom is to be found. And we know that this purely performance-based identity or ‘salvation’ isn’t a part of the Christian faith that is embedded in Jesus.

[Promote Mythical Life here]

So, I wrote the book The Mythical Life of the Good Christian Girl: Realising True Freedom in Christ. I attempt to distil the conversations I’ve had to combat legalistic faith based on works and performance. The irony of the good Christian girl is that it’s not an achievable title for anyone. It’s a photo-shopped, air-brushed, perfectionistic view of Christianity that promotes self-righteousness and enslaves us to human-made rules.

The beginning chapter offers the grounding principle of the book: Myth 1: Good Christian girls are always good. I offer three reasons that this is a myth. First, Jesus makes clear that ‘no-one is good—except God alone’ (Mark 10:18). We need to remember that sin is a part of the human condition, and no teenage girl will be perfectly good by behaviour modification and rule-following. Secondly, they will not always be good because we are all finite creatures who can’t possibly be good at everything. We have limits, get tired and are not gifted in certain areas so that teenage girls will fail, not because they're sinful, but because they’re human. Thirdly, they will be perceived as not good because there are standards of beauty, intellect and success that our culture prescribes, which are unachievable.

 As a result of measuring themselves by unrealistic standards, many teenage girls wallow in self-pity, like the Lost Son of Luke 15, unable to imagine a loving father welcoming his return. Or, when they achieve personal goodness, they are puffed up like the Pharisee gloating over the Tax Collector in Luke 18, unable to imagine a saviour outside of themselves. Both paths lead us to forget the perfection offered to us by Jesus. As teenage girls navigate life's challenges, understanding Christ's freedom from both paths brings a joyful reliance on him. Questions about life and faith become less scary when they are assured of God’s unconditional love and never-ending grace.

The book then deals with the gap between the good Christian girl image and the felt realities of life. Good Christian girls love reading their Bibles, but what happens when they can’t bring themselves to pick them up? Good Christian girls love telling others about Jesus, but what happens when they don’t know what to say? Good Christian girls marry good Christian boys, but what happens if no-one comes along?

Are there any ‘good Christian girls’ in your life? It is my hope and prayer that this book will offer practical wisdom embedded in biblical truths so that our precious teenage girls and young women might realise their true freedom in Christ.

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Rev. Polly Jane Butterworth is a High School Chaplain in Sydney. She loves thinking through how to communicate the gospel clearly to youth, particularly teenage girls. In her spare time, you'll often find Polly creating something or spending quality time with family and friends.

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