Dads, what will your kids say?

Have you ever pondered what others might say at your funeral? It’s a bit of a morbid thought, I know. Or more to the point, what might your children say about you as they think back over their childhood and recall what was important to you, their dad?

My first thought goes to whether I was present in their lives, enough for them to see they were important to me—not just physically present but relationally present too. Did I spend time with them? And as I spent time with my kids, what would they say I was passionate about? Did I actually share my passions with my children?

I think it is fantastic to see children adopt their father’s sporting passions after years of watching and attending sporting games together, dads coaching their children’s sporting team, and sometimes playing sport together. Or perhaps it is in the arts and music realm where passions are shared, developed and nurtured. Regardless, passing these passions on to the next generation requires an investment of time together—this always warms my heart. It is good for dads to spend time with their children. 

Through the quantity of time together passions are caught by children, or it is at least understood that this particular [insert team, sport, hobby] is important to you, even if this passion isn’t ultimately shared by them. I was devastated when my eldest son stood crying on the sand dunes as a toddler, petrified of the sound and movement of the ocean. I had longed to share my joy of surfing with my kids. In the end it was something none of my three sons would pick up, but they know I enjoy spending time in and around the ocean. 

If asked, what would your children say is important to you?

Equally, it might be the time we spend on hobbies, interests or business pursuits that we don’t share with our children that sends a loud and clear message of what is important to us. Are our work hours so long that our children see very little of us? Does pursuing our hobbies and interests come at the expense of spending time with our children to the point where they think that it is more important to us than they are? An investment of time to pursue such things is not bad—most dads provide for their families by working and running businesses, and it is good for men to enjoy hobbies and interests with other men—this is part of having a healthy ecosystem of relationships. I’ll nuance the question, then, by counting up the hours of how you spend your time. What will your children say was important to you?

Passions are not just caught, however, they are also taught. Watching sporting events will inevitably involve an explanation of rules and strategy; fishing and camping trips will involve teaching how to tie and bait hooks, light fires and set up tents. Teaching naturally occurs as part of sharing passions. That’s the nature of ‘passion’—we desperately want others to share in our ‘thing’ too. I once heard it said that going sailing on a friend’s boat is like sitting through a tutorial you never signed up for—they’ll explain how everything works even though you never asked—guilty! Judging by what you talk about and teach to your kids, what will they say is our number one passion?

Needless to say, what is important to us isn’t restricted to things we like doing; it also includes values. My father-in-law values punctuality to the point where shortly before our wedding service I was still chatting with guests arriving outside when the bridal cars pulled up! That involved a dash down the aisle I hadn’t anticipated. Other dads value such things as honesty, tidiness or manners to the point where their mantra is long remembered by their children; or environmental protection or education or being a respectable upstanding citizen. Again, all good things that are great to model and teach to children. What will your kids say was most important to you?

Where on the list of priorities and passions might being a redeemed child of God fit? Is it in the top ten, or maybe even in the top five? What are your children catching and being taught about living a life of serving the risen king Jesus? This is what Paul is getting at in Ephesians 6:1-4:

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honour your father and mother” — which is the first commandment with a promise —'so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.’ Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

‘Training’ involves doing/practising/picking it up as they have a go at it—catching—and ‘instruction’ involves teaching by you and your wife and others in your church community.

*Promote ‘Parenting in God’s Family' here*

At our church we’ve been going through a Scripture series lately, being reminded that in his written word, God reveals his living word—redemption for sin through Jesus’ death, and an inheritance of eternal life through Jesus’ resurrection. By what your children see of you, and by what you teach them, where on the list of priorities would your kids put the word of God (and submission to it)? Do they see you spending time in prayer and Scripture reading (or evidence of it)? Do you tell them you can only read one bedtime story tonight because you’re heading out to growth group to read the Bible with others? Do you share with them what you are learning from Scripture in your incidental conversations around the home? Are you encouraging them in reading Scripture themselves as much as their music practice?

Where on the list of priorities would your children put your passion and commitment to being part of a local gathering of redeemed sinners? Is Sunday the day when you have the most energy and excitement to get up and out of the house? Have you and your wife structured your family activities so peak energy is given to church and serving? When you involve your kids in your serving ministries are they catching gospel-driven enthusiasm or duty-bound legalism? Do you involve/train your kids in serving alongside you at all?

As we head towards another Father’s Day I’d like to encourage you to consider what your kids would say are your passions. A sporting team or being on Jesus’ team? Displaying values or being a valued and cherished child of God? Growing the ‘nest egg’ or growing the kingdom of God? A course correction might involve a big decision that clearly shows your kids that Jesus is number one in your life. It could just as easily be the cumulative effect of many little adjustments—taking every opportunity to impress on your children the beauty of the gospel, talking about Jesus when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up (paraphrasing Deuteronomy 6:7).

My prayer for you as you bring your children up in the training and instruction of the Lord is for you to receive a ‘builder’s reward’—having and passing on passions to your children that will survive the day on which we will be held to account for these precious possessions of God which he has gifted to us to nurture. As Paul writes:

But each one should build with care. For no-one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. If anyone builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, their work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each person’s work. If what has been built survives, the builder will receive a reward. If it is burned up, the builder will suffer loss but yet will be saved—even though only as one escaping through the flames. (1 Corinthians 3:10–15)

This article originally appeared on the Hunter Bible Church blog.

For more encouragement for dads from Andrew Horsfield, listen to Timeless Parenting Episode 25: Learning about Christian fatherhood or check out his chapter in Parenting in God’s Family Volume 2.

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Andrew is married to Kim and is dad to three sons. He has been leading the ministries to Youth and Kids on team at Hunter Bible Church, Newcastle since 2011. He is a contributor to Families in God’s Plan Volume 2: More Biblical Wisdom for Everyday Issues.

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