Responding to divorce and separation: Part 2

Knowing what to think or what to do when a friend’s marriage breaks down is hard. We risk backing away in confusion or entangling ourselves in arguments and gossip, neither of which is helpful in a time of crisis. In yesterday's article, we looked at some Bible references on marriage and divorce. In this part is a list of practical ideas, because even though you may feel helpless in the face of your friend’s pain, there are some helpful things you can do.

Things you should do 

1. Pray for reconciliation.

2. Recognise that there may be urgent physical needs – housing, finances, etc., but don’t lend money unless you’re OK with not getting it back.

3. Listen. Listen some more. This will be tough if you’re on the phone to your friend while at work and the boss is breathing down your neck, or it’s dinner time and your kids are fighting in the bathtub: so choose your time of day to call.

4. Take all suicide comments seriously. Encourage your friend to talk to a professional counsellor. In emergency call an ambulance.

5. Consider the daily grind, especially if children are involved. Your friend may suddenly have the burden of single parenthood. Consider providing a meal once a fortnight or so, babysitting, doing errands, dropping in to help clean house, taking the children on outings with your own children.

6. Keep talking with your own spouse. Your marriage is important.

7. Recognise your friend’s need for long term support. The last thing they need is for another significant person to opt out of their life.

8. Provide Christian teaching about divorce when appropriate in the context of God’s offer of forgiveness.

9. Help your friend to create an explanation for wider acquaintances. People often ask intrusive questions as to why the marriage broke down and these can be very hurtful. It can be helpful to have a simple story on hand that tells the truth without inviting further probing.

10. Involve your friend in wider group activities – they may be experiencing isolation.

11. Encourage your friend to stick to a routine. Divorce/separation is a major life change and even if it is a relief, it is still a loss. Your friend may go through the whole gamut of grief stages.

12. Go to court dates, weddings, funerals etc. with them. They’re used to being with someone else at these events and suddenly being alone can be devastating.

13. Be sensitive toward events that may be hurtful – Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, wedding anniversaries etc.

Things you shouldn't do

1. Don’t make assumptions. Every story is different. Some walk out of a marriage, others are left behind. Sometimes abuse is involved, sometimes unfaithfulness. None of us can know for sure what it’s like in another couple’s relationship.

2. Do not judge. Many people going through separation feel terrified of being judged and as a result avoid situations where they feel this might occur – such as church. It is helpful to remember that God is the only one with a right to judge, and that he is also the one who forgives when we turn in repentance and faith to him.

3. Don’t criticise the ex. The Christian response to separation and divorce is to hope for reconciliation. You don’t want to say things that cannot be unsaid, especially if the couple can be reunited.

4. Don’t gossip. However, you may well need someone to debrief to. Rather than agreeing to keep everything your friend tells you a secret – which can become an unbearable burden - make your friend aware that you will discuss things with your spouse. If you are not married, ensure your friend is OK with you debriefing to a specified person: possibly someone who doesn’t know the couple at all. But don’t discuss the situation freely with your wider circle.

5. Don’t show your sympathy by relating your own marital irritations.

6. Don’t say; “At least you didn’t have kids.”

7. Don’t set them up with a date.

8. Don’t rent chick flicks/romantic movies to watch with your friend and don’t send flowers on Valentine’s Day.

9. Don’t be offended if they seem ungrateful for your help – sometimes just getting through one day at a time is all they can manage. Do, on the other hand, recognise if they would prefer you to give them space.

10. Don’t “own” your friend’s stress or allow their hurt/anger to colour your own view of marriage. You need to stay healthy.

11. Don’t lie to your friend’s children and don’t try to discover from the children details about how their parents are going.

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