What fruit is growing?

We all want different things for our kids as they grow and develop. Some families place a lot of importance on sports and being a good team player, while other families might highly value academics and intellectual achievements. Perhaps your goal is for your child to be financially independent and generous, or an active and involved member of community groups. These different things are all good and we need all of them in our world—they show God’s wonderful diversity in all the ways he has created humans. But as Christians, our main goals for our children should be shaped not by what activities they are enrolled in or awards they get, but by wanting their character to grow more and more like Jesus.

Even here there can be a wide variety in what different people—even different Christians—think is important in the character of their children. Some parents emphasise standing up for justice, while others might value good manners more highly. It’s helpful for us to think through what we think is important as we seek to help our kids grow in godliness.

For me, being right in the thick of parenting a toddler who has plenty of opinions and uses the word ‘no’ freely, it’s been a crucial time of thinking about how our parenting might shape her character to become more like Jesus. As we do so, I have found Galatians chapter 5 to be a source of wisdom I come back to again and again.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.  Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other. (Galatians 5:22–26)

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. It’s a simple list—one many of us might have memorised as kids. But it can be easy to not stop and think about what each of these values means as we teach our kids to follow Jesus, and how we can be modelling them in our own lives.

Love is an appropriate place for this list to start, as it is what we want to be the motivation for all our parenting and actions, as well as our kids’ actions. It’s good to remember that as we help our kids align their behaviour to these values, the focus is not outward appearances of good behaviour, but a heart changed by God’s love and driven by love for others.

Self-control is also a good place to end the list—for just as we want actions to be motivated by love, we cannot direct our actions without self-control. This is a virtue and skill that is very much in progress for all of us, but especially for kids as their brains are still developing features like emotional regulation. I learned recently that my toddler won’t really develop impulse control until she is at least three! In view of this, we should expect that there will be moments where kids are not controlled in their behaviour. But these are teaching moments where we can discuss and model what behaviour does reflect Jesus—and we can start with ourselves as we develop patience in a season of meltdowns and big feelings!

As I teach my daughter to be kind to others—by sharing and using kind words—it is easy for me to be tempted to do so from a desire for her to be seen as a good and polite kid. I want her to be a good polite kid! But I want her to be kind because Jesus is kind. I want her to show kindness to others because Jesus showed kindness to her by taking away her sin on the cross. Rather than feeling proud when she is kind, I can be glad she is showing Jesus-like characteristics. And when she is inevitability not kind, I can give thanks for a Saviour who loves and forgives her no matter how badly behaved she is! And I can pray for help in having another go at teaching her to be more like Jesus as she grows and learns.

There’s something beautiful in the idea of growth in our hearts and spiritual lives being reflected by the natural world around us—fruits bloom in season, and have other times of looking dormant, even if there is important work happening under the surface. So, as well as focusing on these virtues and good things as the goals for my daughter, and myself, I also want to focus on how God created us to grow—like a fruit tree or plant that goes through changes and cycles and periods of different growth. Colin Buchanan has a song called ‘Grow like a tree’ that has been an encouragement to my heart as I take this approach, and this song has become one I sing with my daughter frequently.

Grow like a Cabramurra snow gum,
Steady and strong in the Lord
Facing those cold winds of hardship
With roots that go deep in God's word

Grow like a Darling River Red Gum
Standing through flood and through drought
Solid in God's timeless promise
Growing year in and year out

So grow like a Rockhampton mango
Enduring in love and in truth
Casting the cool shades of kindness
Bearing God's spiritual fruit

Grow like a Dorrigo cedar
Precious, towering and true
Treasured by God the Almighty
Nourished by his love for you

Blessed is he who grows like a big tree
Planted by streams and fruitful season
Blessed is she who grows like a tree
And delights in the law of the Lord

‘Grow like a tree’ words & music by Colin Buchanan © Universal Music Publishing (Australia) Used by permission.

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Rebecca Sharley is a trained primary school teacher with experience in kids’ and youth ministry. She runs training workshops in kids’ ministry and writes a newsletter called ‘Searching For Grace’ on Substack. She is the author of God’s Family Now: A New Look at Kids’ Ministry.

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