Why I don’t want to teach my children about (just) consent

I generally enjoy watching the reality TV show Parental Guidance. It follows different sets of parents as they navigate a series of challenges with their children. Later on, the group evaluates how each family went, with the help of parenting expert Dr Justin Coulson. I’ve found watching the show to be a good way of reflecting on my own parenting.

But one episode of this year’s series left me with an uncomfortable feeling: the episode about consent. Consent seems to be the word that everyone is talking about. In 2024 the federal government launched a nationwide awareness campaign, including a suite of TV ads, called ‘Consent can’t wait’. At school, many of our older children are attending ‘respectful relationships’ seminars where consent is one of the key concepts. Our school leavers are heading off to formals and ‘after parties’, to ‘schoolies’ weeks and beyond.

On the ‘consent’ episode of Parental Guidance each set of parents was given a family discussion question that was meant to start a conversation about consent in various situations (not all of them sexual). It was clear that the overtly Christian or ‘traditional’ parents were extremely uncomfortable talking about sexual relationships with their teen/tween daughters. But the ‘moral’ of the episode was that all parents need to prioritise talking with their children about the topic of consent.

So why did I go away feeling uneasy about this?

I strongly believe that as Christian parents we need to be talking to our children about sex. If we don’t communicate God’s positive vision, our children will pick up a different view of sex from their peers or the internet. In our family, my husband and I have tried to be open and upfront in initiating conversations and answering questions about sex, marriage, relationships, puberty, pornography and so on.

But I have to confess that I’ve never talked with my children about ‘consent’ exactly. And to be honest, I don’t know if I really want to. Here’s why I don’t want to teach my children about (just) consent.

It’s a low bar … but a good start

Consent has become the only moral standard by which our modern society evaluates sexual activity between adults. Did both parties give their consent? If so, it doesn’t matter what happened or who did it.

According to the government’s campaign, ‘Sexual consent is a free, voluntary and informed agreement between people to participate in a sexual act. This agreement is only present when these people mutually and genuinely want to engage in that sexual act, and actively ensure their partner does too’.

Of course, I want my children to expect sexual activity to be mutual and consensual. That’s the Bible’s ideal too. In sex, as in all of life, Christians are people who seek the good of others. Song of Songs is a great example of a loving sexual relationship in which both the man and the woman take pleasure in the other person. The woman repeats, ‘I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine’ (Song of Songs 6:3). This view of sexual mutuality and other-person-centredness is echoed in the New Testament when Paul writes:

‘The husband should fulfil his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife.’ (1 Corinthians 7:3–4)

But the Bible’s view of sexual relationships is about so much more than just consent!

[Promote ‘Teen Sex by the Book’ here]

Consent plus commitment

I don’t want to teach my children about just consent, because I want them to see sexual intimacy as something that belongs within the commitment of marriage. In a relationship where a couple has promised to love one another ‘for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health’, there is a genuine commitment to the good of the other person in all areas of life, not just sex. I want our children to see that sex is designed to be an expression of the loving ‘one flesh’ relationship of marriage and that it binds two people together in a way that is hard to undo.

Consent plus consequences

It’s also important for our children to understand the consequences of sex. Sex is designed not only to bind two people together but also to (potentially) produce new life from their union. Even if they are using contraception, young couples should consider not only whether they both consent to sex, but also whether they both consent to raising any children who might result from it.

Consent plus conscience

The narrative of consent only asks, ‘Do you want to?’. It doesn’t ask, ‘Is this the right thing for us to do?’. I hope that my children are learning to listen not just to their desires but also to their conscience, which is informed by God’s commands etched on their hearts (Romans 2:15). I pray that they will want not just momentary pleasure, but God’s long-term good for themselves and any future romantic partner.

‘Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honour God with your bodies.’ (1 Corinthians 6:18–20)

Consent equals bodily control

Even if I don’t teach my children about ‘consent’ as a standalone topic, there are some important foundations I need to lay now to prepare them for mutual, consensual (and more!) sexual relationships later on.

Firstly, our children need to know that ‘no’ means no and ‘stop’ means stop. If they are playing a tickling, wrestling or other physical game and someone asks them to stop, we can set the clear expectation that the behaviour will stop straightaway. This counts for parents too!

Secondly, we need to give our children autonomy or control over their body. This means we help them to practise self-control—resisting the urge to do something with their body that’s wrong or inappropriate. But it also means letting them have a say over what happens to their body. Of course, we will need to change younger children’s nappies and help them to wash; we may need to physically help them to stay safe or do the right thing. But apart from situations of necessity, we need to let our children know that it’s OK to say no to physical touch if they feel uncomfortable. When something like a hug or kiss is expected from our kids, for example when they see their grandparents, and they feel uncomfortable, we can suggest some alternative expressions of affection, like waving, blowing a kiss or giving a high five or fist bump.

We can help to protect our children from unwanted sexual experiences in the future by teaching them to speak up, walk away and tell a trusted adult if someone makes them feel uncomfortable through physical touch.

In a world that’s laser-focused on teaching young people one thing about sex—consent—let’s give our children an even better sex education. Let’s teach them God’s positive vision for sex that’s not just about consent but also about commitment, consequences, conscience and bodily control.

 

At Youthworks Media, we have some resources to help you do this:

Birds and Bees by the Book: a series of topical books for parents to read with 7–10 year olds

Growing Up by the Book: for children aged 10–14

Teen Sex by the Book: for teenagers

Talking Sex by the Book: equips parents to have these conversations.

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