How to avoid raising a man-child

We all have different versions of proud parent moments. It might be your child getting a merit award, winning a game, persevering at hard stuff or performing confidently. Maybe it’s happiness, nice manners, good friends, a place in selective school, graduation, a satisfying career, or simply that they’re better than other kids. Our proud parent moments reveal what success is in our eyes.

Success in God’s eyes is that we glorify and enjoy him forever by looking to Him as Lord and becoming more like him everyday. A successful Christian is one who knows they have achieved nothing to deserve God’s love and that our success is through and in Jesus, not in ourselves. A successful Christian parent has their eyes fixed on Jesus, not on their children; the successful Christian family is God-centred, not child-centred. But it is child-centred parenting that’s behind our proud parent moments.

Child-centred parenting

Mother of teens Julie Lythcott-Haims, in her 2015 book How To Raise An Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success warns of the risks of making children’s sports teams, music lessons, dance troupes and homework the centre of your family and advises against prioritising children’s happiness through travel experiences, OTT birthday parties and the avoidance of bumps and disappointments.

Sure, this book is written by a secular American academic (she used to be dean of first years at Stanford) without mention of Jesus, but in highlighting the flawed parenting practices of our culture, she can help us to examine our hearts to check we’re not adopting these ways.

Raising adults or children?

If we know our Bible we shouldn’t be surprised that the ways of the world do not bear fruit. The last two decades of child-centred parenting have produced many able-bodied and sound-minded young people unable to live independent lives, thus rendering their childhood and adolescent successes- their sporting/musical talents, academic brilliance, loads of friends or fancy credentials redundant.

This should make Christians uncomfortable- children should be giving up childish ways when they become adults. But increasing numbers of young people don’t know how to cook, do laundry, fill out forms, clean, budget, ask for help, talk to strangers, mow a lawn or maintain a car.

Lythcott-Haims has seen so much time spent on homework and extracurricular activities that children are being released from the responsibilities and difficulties of everyday life at home, but don’t know how to deal with the issues of the real world at school and work. Teenagers are messaging parents during the school day with their problems. Well meaning parents are attending job interviews with their young adults and calling their employers when problems arise. Young adults are texting their parents to double check the NRMA’s advice, turning up to emergency departments because they don’t know how to cope with a seasonal virus, or getting their parents to email uni lecturers about their marks.

Overparenting

It’s not really the lack of practical skills that are of concern. It’s the inability of grown adults to make a decision, solve a complex problem and cope with minor illness and setback without parental advice and management. As a parent, my deepest desire is that my children choose to sit under God’s authority. To own this decision, my kids need practice dealing with the responsibility and unpredictability of being an adult, learning to stop calling out to me and start calling out to God. Lythcott-Haims suggests that the tough times of regular, difficult chores can allow children to learn the practical skills but also the essential mindsets to be an adult independent of parents.

Lythcott-Haims is not suggesting that children spend endless hours slaving over a hot stove or sweeping out the chimney. She says that growing kids’ increasing responsibilities in the home should be matched with increasing freedom to play outside of the home. She talks of the vital role that unstructured, unsupervised outdoor play has in developing those experiences and qualities that we pay dance teachers, tutoring companies and footy clubs for: trial and error, freedom to fail, self efficacy, grit and resilience. And unlike organised activities, outdoor play can develop contentment, love and care for brothers and sisters and the enjoyment of God’s creation.

Driven by fear

Why all the paid activities when we could just put up a job chart and send the kids down to the park? Lythcott-Haims identifies the darkness in parents’ hearts that drives them instead to pursue experiences and success: fear. Fear of a finger cut (or a giant mess being made) when a child enters the kitchen alone. Fear of accidents, kidnappings or death. Fear that their memories won’t be as special as other kids. Fear that they won’t reach their potential or be left behind. Fear of not being needed anymore.

But as Christian parents we need a fear of the God who is in control of all things. A fear that is the beginning of a wisdom that drives me to His Word in prayer when the ways of the world are tempting. A fear that reminds me I should love Jesus more than my children and that God wants my children to love Jesus more than they love me, or themselves.

Dependence on God

Reading this book reminded me I am training each boy to enter adulthood, not a painfree life as a man-child . My 9 year old can walk with his brother to school. My 7 year old can clean the bathroom. Together they can prepare a meal for the family and wash up afterwards. God will provide many opportunities for speaking God’s Word into their hearts as I gradually withdraw my supervision. And in time the littlest brother can join the big brothers for extended play outside, without me there to push them on the swings and demonstrate how to be a good sport in 2-a-side footy. They won’t have the chance to experience the worldly success of trophies and ribbons from organised sports for now but I pray they will instead learn the joy of living a Jesus-centred life, dependent on their Father in heaven. And if this happens I’ll turn away from my pride and thank God for his grace.

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