Helping our teens through identity struggles

**Al James is one of four great speakers at the annual MU Sydney Seminar coming up on Friday, February 28 in Sydney (or online). This year's theme is 'Standing Firm and Standing Out'. Tickets are FREE but it's essential to register here.**

My two-year-old son came to me adamantly, ‘Dad, we’ve got to go away from Jesus!’.
‘What do you mean?’ I said, silently freaking out. 
‘We’ve got to go away from Jesus’, he repeated, ‘like Colin [Buchanan] says’.
‘Ohhhh!’ I said, realising with relief that he’d misheard some lyrics from the song, Birds Were Made for Flying, where Colin sings, ‘Go all the way with Jesus!’

That inner freakout I experienced over my son’s pronouncement about his faith is not an isolated incident. I’ve also experienced that same internal response when Christian youth I’ve worked with have casually said things like:

•    ‘I think I’m probably closest to being an agnostic. It’s the only option with intellectual integrity’
•    ‘I’m just not sure I can be a Christian anymore’ 
•    ‘I’ve been looking into Satanism’.

But while we’ll likely still experience the inner freak out, there is a very good reason we can hold back our fears that the child standing in front of us has just permanently abandoned their faith. Let me explain.

Identity statuses

Developmental psychologist James Marcia talked about the idea of ‘identity statuses’ in young people forming their identity.¹ He suggested that on any aspect of someone’s identity there are two key questions:

·        Have I explored this question of identity?
·        Have I decided on this question of identity

Depending on the answers, they will land in one of the identity statuses below.

 

The issue might be whether they want to be a Christian, what their stance is on drinking, drugs or sex outside marriage, where they sit on the political spectrum, or how they interact with any number of personal or ethical issues.

‘Identity diffusion’ is where a young person has neither explored nor decided on a question of identity. They are floating along with no firm commitments and are highly susceptible to all kinds of influences.

‘Identity foreclosure’ is where the identity decision has been consciously decided but without any significant wrestling. It may be that the young person has accepted the expectations of family or peer groups but because of the lack of exploration (as if they have blinkers on), this aspect of their identity may be fragile when significantly challenged.

‘Identity achievement’ is where a commitment on an identity question has been made as a result of intense exploration and searching. Because of this, their identity commitment is more likely to be resilient when challenged.

‘Identity moratorium’ is where a committed and firm decision is yet to be made but the young person is actively exploring, wrestling and trying out different things with regard to a question of identity.  It’s like calling  ‘time-out’ on a commitment while they figure things out.

[Promote 'The Child in God's Church' here]

Identity moratorium and faith

On the question of faith, this ‘time-out’ may be characterised by doubts, questions, exploring different expressions of church and/or exploring different ethical issues. This wrestling can be done from a position of faith for those already Christian or sometimes even before a young person has become a Christian.

If we put it another way, ‘identity moratorium’, when applied to faith in young people, can be like a period of discernment. It’s a chance for young people to think deeply about their own faith as distinct from the faith of their family, their friends or other influential people in their life (whether Christian or non-Christian). It’s an important step in young people having a faith that they commit to for themselves.

Although ‘identity moratorium’ can be experienced at many stages of life, Marcia points out that it’s of particular importance for teens because of the natural adolescent quest for identity formation. Because of this it can be a helpful concept for parents as they seek to help their teenage kids to form their identity in Christ. 

Here are three significant discipleship moments where ‘identity moratorium’ may be a helpful concept.

Coming to faith

What a joy it is when our kids  express for the first time that they have decided to follow Jesus! For some, there is a decisive point of commitment and for others, a gradual slide into firm faith. But for most, that commitment comes after a period of thinking, talking, questioning and wrestling. This is good! In fact, according to research by David Kinnaman and Mark Matlock, young people who have thriving and long-lasting faith, on average, decided to follow Jesus later. They say, ‘it appears that resilient disciples are more likely to make a decision to follow Jesus when they know what they are signing up for’.²

Kinnaman and Matlock's assertions aren’t surprising when you consider that Jesus himself encouraged people to exercise careful discernment and 'count the cost' when making a decision to follow him (Luke 14:25–33). Rushing the decision to follow Jesus or applying pressure to make a commitment risks shortcutting the wrestling period of ‘moratorium’. This may result in pushing people into a ‘blinkered’ faith (‘identity foreclosure’) resulting in a more brittle and less resilient Christian identity.

Do
•    Intentionally disciple your kids.
•    Provide opportunities for your kids to commit to following Jesus themselves.

Don’t
•    Rush or pressure kids into committing to Jesus.
•    Express disappointment when kids say they aren’t ready to commit to Jesus for themselves.

Experiencing suffering or doubts

According to one youth ministry research project, seven out of ten high-schoolers have significant doubts about God and faith.3 But despite what we might think, these doubts can be linked to a more mature faith long term! But the key for this, under God, is that young people have ‘opportunities to express and explore doubts’.⁴

These doubts can be expressions of ‘identity moratorium’ with regards to faith. They can be intellectual or personal and sometimes come because our child is suffering. Over-reacting to doubts can make kids anxious to resolve the doubts before they’ve  really wrestled with them. Ignoring, dismissing, rushing or never returning to conversations about these significant questions is a missed opportunity for young people to broaden and deepen their faith. This can result in a shallower and more fragile faith, long term.

Do
•    Communicate and model that doubts are an expected part of faith (including acknowledging when you have wrestled with doubts personally).
•    Provide opportunities for young people to wrestle deeply with challenges to the Christian faith.
•     Be willing to say, ‘I’m not sure, but I’d like to try to find out with you’.

Don’t
•    ‘Freak out’ when kids experience doubt.
•    Dismiss or minimise the seriousness of kids’ doubts.
•    Give simplistic answers when kids are questioning faith.

Identity struggles

While young people can wrestle with forming their identity on purely spiritual questions, much of their faith identity formation also happens as their faith rubs up against all the other identity questions of life.

•    Will I care about academics?
•    Will I focus on being creative? 
•    Does popularity matter to me? 
•    What kind of people should I spend time with?
•    What about my family do I want to embrace and what do I want to shed? 
•    How will I dress? How won’t I dress? 
•    What kind of partner might I want to end up with? 
•    How will I interact with people different to me? 
•    What will I do with my life? 
•    What do I like or dislike about myself?

Young people will wrestle with any number of these identity questions during and after adolescence. They’ll try on different identities or aspects of identity. They’ll think, question, argue, brood, make pronouncements and observe people’s reactions to them. They’ll say or do things that may seem outlandish, crazy or even scary.

Some of these will be compatible with faith. Some of them won’t. But many of these behaviours are very much associated with a period of ‘identity moratorium’. As such, they are not necessarily permanent changes to or statements about who they are as a person.

Do
•    Empathise with the complexity of young people’s lives.
•    Ask your child to ‘Tell me more’ and listen to what they are going through.
•    Look for appropriate opportunities to talk about how God’s word speaks into the situation that your child is struggling with at that time. 
•    Tell your child that you will always love them.

Don’t
•    Talk about your child behind their back.
•    Distance yourself from your child when they say crazy things.
•    Despair when your child ‘tries on’ new aspects of identity.

What about discipling our teens?

It would be easy to think that this concept of ‘moratorium’ means just leaving young people alone with big questions to emerge at some point in the future with a solid and resilient sense of identity. But in fact, parents, family friends, youth leaders and other mentors can play a very significant role during a young person’s ‘time-out’.

One youth ministry researcher, citing her work with Chap Clark (Sticky Faith), says that the closest thing they found to a ‘silver bullet’ that leads to resilient faith post high school was the presence of intergenerational discipleship during youth. That is, when young people have a number of mentors interested in and guiding them in discipleship, they are more likely to develop a resilient sense of their identity in Christ. For parents, this means that we don’t have to do this alone! Encouraging our children to reach out to others—their youth leaders and other mentors—is an important way to help them through their struggles.

It would be a mistake to think that young people  should be left without help to navigate these crucial questions of identity, particularly as they relate to the Christian faith. On the contrary, the patient, present and persevering parent or youth leader with the word of God and the love of Jesus ready to hand is precisely what young people need to tread the unstable ground of identity formation.

How might the concept of ‘identity moratorium’ impact the way you guide your kids through the process of identity formation?

Footnotes

[1] Marcia JE (1966), Development and validation of ego identity status, Journal of Personal and Social Psychology, vol. 3, no. 5, pp. 551–558.
[2] Kinnaman & Matlock (2019), Faith for Exiles, Baker Book House, p. 61.
[3] Powell & Clark (2011), Sticky Faith, Zondervan, p. 143–145.
[4] Powell, Mulder & Griffin (2016), Growing Young, Baker Book House  p. 157.

A version of this article originally appeared at Youthworks.
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Al James has been involved in youth ministry in a variety of contexts over the last decade, and now serves with Youthworks as a Youth Ministry Advisor to Sydney’s Western Region. He is one of four great speakers at the annual MU Sydney Seminar coming up on Friday, February 28 in Sydney (or online). This year's theme is 'Standing Firm and Standing Out'. Tickets are FREE but it's essential to register here.**

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