The power of ‘not yet’

A friend shared a letter with me a few years ago, one of those ‘open letter to my daughter’ types. I am not usually one to go for those, but this particular one by Jen Wilkin struck me as a timely answer to prayer. My oldest daughter, who was eleven at the time, was amid several almost-teen experiences. Her friends were participating in a gamut of things she was not able to. They were on social media. They were watching movies and TV shows she wasn’t allowed to watch. Her friends were allowed to go places, spend money, seemingly do whatever it was their little hearts desired. And my daughter hated it. She was sad. She felt lonely. Left out. Isolated. All the feelings a young girl does everything she can to avoid, and here my husband and I were, imposing these rules on her. My heart broke for her. Thankfully, she had some understanding of why we made the parenting choices we did, but she was not happy about it. 

Then I was able to give her this letter. Don’t get me wrong. It wasn’t a magic letter. Not some silver bullet that made her suddenly respect and understand every parenting decision we made. But it was a letter that gave words to what I already had in my heart for her. That these things that she was so desperate to participate in can be for her one day, just not yet. 

‘Not yet’ opens up curiosity 

Practising the ‘not yet’ has opened our conversations. We are a ‘talk it all out’ kind of family, and this letter has provided guidelines in talking through her feelings of ‘otherness’. Why was she feeling so left out? Why were these experiences crucial to their friendship? Did her friends really treat her differently, or is that just her perception? It has given my daughter the vehicle to ask ‘Why?’ Why can’t she have the latest social media app? Why can’t she watch these movies? 

As we sat and explained the God-given wisdom behind our parenting choices, we could see that she was gaining an understanding of what we want for her. She understands that she can safely ask for anything, without judgement, and we will give her a straight answer. The ‘no’ we give her has context. She can ask, ‘Is this a ”no” that means not at all? Or is this a ”no” that means not yet?’ Since these conversations began, some experiences have already changed from a ‘not yet’ to a ‘yes’. I need to make sure that I am upholding my end of the deal—in reassessing age-appropriate choices. This has allowed her to be more open to the initial answer. 

‘Not yet’ gives them agency

The ‘not yet’ response has taught our daughter that she doesn’t need to be reactionary. In the instant world we live in, taking time to assess and evaluate choices is becoming a lost art. She understands I will not be beholden to the latest trend, or her urgent need for an answer about this thing or that. She is learning the rhythms of a measured, considered response that will serve her for her future. This in turn gives her agency over her choices. It helps her see that she can use her own brain to make a decision and doesn’t need to look to those around her to decide what she wants to do. My husband and I often discuss the fact that there are many movies we choose not to watch, or apps we choose not to be on, as they don’t add to our lives. She can see that taking time to make a decision gives her the control so that she isn’t just trying to follow the crowd all the time, but considering whether she actually wants to do the thing in question.

‘Not yet’ shows that we care

One of the great things about the ‘not yet’ response has been joining in the excitement of our girls growing and maturing, as we too are looking forward to the new things they will be able to do. We waited 13 long years to share the joy of watching The Lord of the Rings together. I tell them I can’t wait until we can watch certain movies or TV shows together. I can’t wait until we can experience more grown-up things together. But now is not their time. This holding back gives our girls the opportunity to be kids. Not rushing to grow beyond their years. As they become adults, I hope they will see the value in what we have done as parents, holding back the tide of ‘grown-upness’ as much as we can. It is a short and valuable part of life. One that my husband and I are very intentional about protecting.

In the moments when I have got it wrong (which, unfortunately, is inevitable!), I can use the repertoire that we have built over the years: to apologise, talk through what has happened, what affected them most, and why I believe it was a bad call on my part. I once changed my mind about a movie my daughter was watching, mid-movie, when her friends were over! It’s safe to say that didn’t go down too well. But I apologised and sympathised with them. And because I already had a relationship with those girls, I could poke fun at myself and how strict I was being. It takes time to build a relationship of mutual trust with our children, but when our children know that we respect them, and value their life stage, we can get a lot of grace from them, too.

Parenting is never about perfection. God has never instituted that as our goal as caretakers of these little (and not so little!) ones. In the times when we get it wrong, we can be grateful that these moments do not define or undermine our overall impact as parents. Having these conversations has given our household the chance to take a breath and assess what we say and do daily. When our children know that they are loved and valued, they might even be happy enough to hear a ‘not yet.’ 

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Kate Thompson is an aspiring novelist and baby theologian. When Kate isn't constructing worlds of her own, she can be found reading the classics to her girls (not the boring ones) or trotting around the globe, with or without her family.

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