Party priorities

As my family and I navigate the jumping-castle-and-lolly-dominated world of children’s birthday parties, I’ve been trying to find some guidelines to fall back on. I’ve made an acronym to use as a sort of checklist in discussing things with my kids: PARTY.  I hope it will help you too. Take the bits that help, feel free to leave aside what doesn’t serve you and your family, but remember that in all things we seek to honour and glorify our Lord Jesus, who was the ultimate example of humility, service and love.

P: People, not presents

Jesus teaches us to prioritise people over material things, which won’t last, but will perish. It’s a good thing to be excited and thankful for the good things God gives us, but let’s encourage our children to look beyond the stuff and treasure the friends and family that God has created with an eternal soul.

Host

If your child is the birthday child, you can start by having an open discussion about who they want to invite. The aim is to be loving, while honouring our boundaries.

Guest

You are going to this party because the host appreciates you—remember to express your gratefulness for them too. The birthday card is a good place to put this down in words, but why not say it to their face: ‘I’m so thankful for your friendship, and especially the way you …’

A: Attitude

One of the traps we can fall into at parties is a sense of entitlement, which unfortunately is a trap for both hosts and guests. ‘I put in all this effort, the least they could do is …’ or ‘They’re hosting—they could at least …’

We can counteract discontent with thankfulness, but we need to practise it and train our children in it.

Host

Before the party remind your child when they should say thank you: when they’re given a gift; when they open the gift; and when the guests leave the party, I would suggest is the minimum. You might consider whether writing thank you cards after the party is something that would help your child to practise gratitude.

Guest

In Luke 14:7–11 Jesus teaches us humility through the example of choosing to sit in the lowliest seat at a feast. Let’s encourage our kids to look for opportunities to help, such as talking to people who are on their own, collecting up rubbish, or helping serve food. Remember the example of Jesus, who came ‘not to be served, but to serve’ (Mark 10:45). A good way to demonstrate how important the host is to you is by being a good guest—respectful, polite and kind.

R: Reason

I know I need a reminder of the reason we’re going to a party when it is overstimulating, I don’t know any of the other parents and I would just generally rather not be there. I remind myself that we are there to show this person our love for them, made possible by the outpouring of love that Christ has lavished on us.

Host

The party is for other people—so that the birthday person’s loved ones can spend time with them and have a good time. As such, decisions should be made to accommodate these guests well—don’t choose a location that is loud if your guest list includes someone with auditory processing difficulties; cater for dietary restrictions; if Grandma is coming with a walking frame, don’t choose somewhere with a lot of stairs, and so on. Talking about this ahead of time, not just managing it yourself, will give your child a better chance of thinking about these things on the day, and being a better host.

Guest

Let’s think about siblings for a moment. Often the biggest challenge for siblings is seeing the gifts the birthday boy or girl got and not getting anything themselves. Have you prepped them to admire the gifts, without being envious and resentful? If you think your child will struggle with this, you might want to have an adult dedicated to them at present-opening time, who can remind them of the boundaries, and take them a bit further away if need be. Remember, parties are very exciting and overwhelming, and we want to set up our kids for success.

Siblings aren’t the only ones who might struggle with jealousy at parties. If this sounds like your child, it might help to talk to them beforehand about the reason for the party. You are there for your friend. You want to love them and help them have an enjoyable time.

T: Talk

While behaviour is very important to train our children in, the Bible speaks often, and in very strong terms, about our words—it is necessary for us as parents to model and coach our kids in speech that builds others up.

Host

The first point of guarding speech comes when the invitations go out. Children feel a shift in the social power balance when birthday parties are on the line: ‘If you don’t do what I say, I won’t invite you to my birthday party’. You can’t control what your children say, but you can coach them in age-appropriate ways to be thoughtful speakers. We can help our children to find ways of being sensitive to the feelings of those whom they have chosen not to invite—for example, not talking too much about the party in front of them.

Guest

Children don’t necessarily have the emotional maturity to hold onto their thoughts before speaking and think about the impact of their words on their friend. That doesn’t mean we don’t ask it of them, it just means we practise with them. It might be as simple as the old classic—if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

Y: The ‘why’

As we go through this framework for thinking through parties I don’t want you to feel like there’s just a big list of things to remember not to do, so we will end with a reminder of why we are thinking this through.

Host

We follow the example of Jesus, who ate with his friends, with sinners and tax collectors, and with members of the Pharisee party who persecuted him. Parties are an opportunity to show hospitality to others—gathering them together and generously feeding them. We want to show God’s love, freely poured out.

Guest

We can show God’s love by prioritising our friends, simply by sending that RSVP and sticking to it—not changing plans if another offer comes up. God did not choose who to save based on anything we had done, but loved us regardless. We can choose to be loving, regardless of how lovable others are. So even if an invitation received isn’t particularly appealing, we can choose to accept it and pray for the Holy Spirit to help us honour Jesus in our actions and words. Our model in life—and in setting our party priorities—is the kindness and love of God:

But when the kindness and love of God our Saviour appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. (Titus 3:4–5)

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Rachel Huntington is married to Mike, who is the Assistant Minister at The Oaks Anglican Church. They have three delightful little daughters, Sylvia, Esme and Imelda, who are great fun to teach about Jesus.

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