Is there a Christian parenting style?

I have a confession to make: I love watching the reality TV show Parental Guidance. This show, currently airing its second season, brings together 12 sets of parents (or single parents) with differing parenting styles. Each episode we watch footage of each set of parents navigating various parenting ‘challenges’ with their children. The group of parents then evaluates how well each set of parents did, with the help of parenting expert Dr Justin Coulson.

What I like about the show is that the parents who come on are very intentional in their approach to child-raising, and yet ready to improve and learn from others. The format of the show encourages parents to understand and support one another, rather than rushing to condemn (although some parents hide their eyebrow-raising better than others). 

A Christian label?

It impresses me that anyone could choose a one-word label to sum up their parenting. It has got me thinking. How would I describe our parenting style? Most of the time I think it's 'learning-on-the-job'! And is there any one parenting style that you could call ‘Christian’?

There have been several sets of parents on Parental Guidance who identify as Christians. Last year the overtly Christian parents were the ‘strict’ and ‘tiger’ parents. But this year, the parents representing the Christian way are … the ‘gentle’ parents—the complete opposite! It seems that there is no single ‘Christian’ parenting style.

Perhaps this is because our Christian faith is only one of the things that influences our parenting style. For example, this year’s ‘gentle’ parents initially made a simple, direct connection between their faith and their parenting style: because God, our heavenly Father, is patient and gentle with us, they seek to be patient and gentle with their children. However, as time went on, we discovered that other factors had influenced their style too. Tragically, the couple lost their first child shortly before birth. This rough start has given them measureless gratitude and patience for the children they are now blessed to have. The ‘gentle’ father also mentioned his own upbringing: having grown up in a family where he had little say or agency, he wants to raise his children differently.

The fact is that the way we raise our children is shaped not only by our Christian beliefs, but also by our lived experiences.

Christian principles

Although different Christians may approach child-raising in different ways, I think there are some Christian principles that we all share.

Purposeful

Christian parents know the purpose of life: to love and honour our Creator, to love our neighbour as ourselves and to love Jesus whose grace makes it possible to do those things. Therefore, Christian parents will be intentional in raising children who know and live out their God-given purpose, just as we do. Happiness is not our primary aim, but rather a hoped-for by-product of living life the way our Creator intended.

Realistic

However, Christian parents also know that we live in a fallen world, where things don’t always go to plan. We expect that we and our children will sometimes fail to live the way we were made to; at times we won’t listen to God and will put ourselves ahead of others. We also acknowledge that in a fallen world, bad things may happen to us and our children. So Christian parents know we need to equip our children to cope with sin (theirs and ours), sadness and suffering in life.

Forgiving

The main ‘strategy’ that Christian parents have to do this is the gospel of Jesus. That is, Christians are people who know how to acknowledge and repent of our sin, and how to take hold of God’s free and full forgiveness in Jesus. And we can teach our children to do the same. Christian parents should always be ready to show our children the grace and mercy that we ourselves have received from God.

Following

Christian parents have role models to follow: God, our heavenly Father, and Jesus, our older brother. The Bible tells us a lot about God’s fatherhood: yes, he is infinitely patient and always ready to welcome his children home (Luke 15:11–32); but he also disciplines his children for their good (Hebrews 12:4–11).

Responsible

The Bible sees parents as a rightful (although imperfect) authority in their children’s lives. The only one of the ten commandments that directly concerns child-raising is: honour your father and your mother. The Bible expects that parents will use their loving authority to directly guide and discipline their children now to help them grow to maturity. Christian parents know that they are the primary means God will use to prepare their children for life and faith.

Humble

Christian parents know that there is only one perfect Parent. As limited human parents, we depend on God daily for forgiveness, strength and guidance. We are works in progress, relying on God’s Spirit to keep transforming us into the likeness of our Father God. So Christian parents are always learning and growing in humble dependence.

Supported

Finally, Christian parents know that they are not parenting alone. Firstly, they know that God, our heavenly Father, is also parenting our children, far more perfectly than we ever will. Secondly, we know that God’s Spirit is helping and equipping us for the task of raising children. And thirdly, we belong to a bigger family—the family of God—where spiritual aunts and uncles, grandmas and grandpas, and plenty of siblings are there to encourage and help us in raising our children to know, love and honour God.

What’s your parenting style?

If I were to summarise these Christian principles for parenting, perhaps I would call it ‘faithful’ parenting. We are not perfect, but we faithfully persevere in fulfilling our responsibility to love, guide and teach our children, under God. We are also full of faith. We know that we cannot be perfectly sufficient for our children. So we lift our eyes—and theirs—to God, the truly Faithful One, who gives us all that we need.

What about you? What do you call your Christian parenting style?

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Harriet Connor is the Content Editor for Growing Faith and the author of Families in God's Plan: 12 Foundational Bible Studies and Big Picture Parents: Ancient Wisdom for Modern Life (Wipf and Stock, 2017). She lives on the Central Coast of NSW with her husband and four sons.

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