How to stop comparing yourself (and your kids) to others

Last year my husband and I, together with our three kids (the youngest at that point still inside my belly) arrived trembling and excited on the doorstep of a new future. Literally a new doorstep. We were embarking on a path of theological training. To do so we had left our previous home and familiar suburb to live on Bible College campus.

Our particular living arrangement involved four families residing ‘communally’ in a big old house. Although we each had our own private living spaces, some areas were shared. This included the laundry and a large front garden directly in front of our apartment.

The joys and challenges of shared living

From the moment our two older kids set foot on that soil, the front garden caught their hearts and fired their imaginations in epic proportions. It seemed they had found their own little Eden, with toys and friends on tap.

The longer daylight hours of summer meant they could play from dawn to dusk. Despite initial fears, the other house mums and I quickly bonded, finding a richness of shared conversarion and daily investment in each others’ lives that I will forever treasure.

But, it didn’t take long for little Eden to fall. Those same outside toys and shared spaces that inspired exhileration and passion, also ignited fights. And one by one, we mums watched as our little ones went from friends to foes and back again.

The comparison trap

In a communal setting such as this, nothing is hidden – parenting styles, children’s behaviour, even discipline is on show. As our eyes worked overtime, so did our hearts. The internal questoning and inner voices began…

Am I as good a mother as her?

Why does my child not sit in time out and hers does?

I’m sooo embarressed by his tantrum.

Thankfully, and by God’s grace, this garden was a place to grow, as we listened to one another, and gave grace to one another. I have nothing but respect and deep love for the dear sisters I shared this special time with. What we were working through was not something new. In fact, it’s something very common, but we experienced in an intense, concentrated way.

The problems with comparing yourself to others

You don’t need to share a garden to face the urge to compare. The world is a garden, afterall, and our own hearts so easily lead us astray.

Just as we need to speak truth to our kids (e.g. to help them apologise when they offend, or encourage them to take take time out when they are overwhelmed), we also need to speak truth to ourselves as we work at realigning our own hearts and thoughts to God’s way.

And what is God’s way? Is comparison God’s best for us? I don’t think so, and here’s why...

• Comparison does not build up but weighs down.
• Comparison, rather than loving our sister or brother puts them unwittingly in the position of rival.
• Comparison sets not only ourselves, but also our kids up for failure. Someone will always be better, or further ahead, or more advanced at something than us.
• Comparison takes away from the unique way and value with which God has made us.

So if comparison isn’t God’s best way for us, what is? And how do we get there?

The answer to this question is far deeper and wider than this space allows, but I'd sum it up in these three words: trust, love and rest.

Replace Comparison with Trust, Love and Rest

1. Trust the Giver: Comparison is always at its base a form of fear. When we rely on ourselves we feel insecure. But the one who has made us and our children loves us. Unreservedly. Our maker knows us, in all our strange  particularity, and promises not only to look after us daily, but to give us a future. He invites us to talk to him about the things that burden us.

2. Love your neighbour: Love doesn’t compare or envy. Love thinks of others before oneself. When I am comparing myself and my kids to someone else, even when that person is a friend, I am inadvertedly setting them up in competition to myself. Comparison is competition, and competition is not love.

When you’re inclined to envy or compare, speak honestly of your fears with those you trust. Some of our best converations in the communal garden came out of us sharing our fears with one another. In discovering shared insecurities, we were able to walk gently alongside and encourage one another.

3. Remember to rest: Parenting is tiring work. Adding constant comparision to that only makes for exhaustion. Thankfully, we have a parent who takes care of us all, under whose wings we can find complete assurance. We can rest because He has done the ultimate work. On the cross, Jesus said, “It is finished!’ (John 19:30) This means we no longer need to strive for acceptance, or fear we are not enough. In Him, we find our completeness.

Grace, and grace alone, sets us free from the chains of comparison. 

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Nikki blogs at 'Spilled Milk & Sunsets' and posts short pieces of encouragement and Scripture on Instagram.

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